Another door closes

October 1996, I first had my monastic experience. A friend invited me to stay in a monastery for a week. There were 5 of us who went to St. Benedict's monastery in Digos. I had a very wonderful experience. I was captivated by the experience. I wanted to enter in that life.

I told my parents that I wanted to enter a monastery. Yet, they hesitated. It was because they thought that they could no longer see me. They also told me that I was still young. I dismissed the idea. I told myself that if I am really for that place, I will be back.

October 2010, I went back in the same monastery. I observed for 3 days. Many things had changed. However, I can still recognize the things that I love about it. I decided to enter it.

I entered the monastery on April 25, 2011. Since I am new to the place, I experienced some awkward moments... a period of adjustments.

I was admitted to the Postulancy on June 4, 2011.

In the course of time, I tried to fit in. However, it is hard to do so when people won't meet you half. It is very hard to smile when people around you are frowning. At first I couldn't understand it. I have done nothing to them but it was evident that there are people there who doesn't like me. They have doubts that I can do it. They doubt that I can live that life.

I tried hard. I know I did. There were many advises. There were many concerns. But it was enough. November 2, 2011, 6 months and 8 days later, I decided to leave the place.

I didn't want to go. I felt at ease at the place. Yet, I know it was the right thing to do. People doesn't like me in there. They have their reasons. Some have told me that I have a "gloomy aura". Some even accused me of not being happy there. That was their impression.

I was happy there. I felt at peace. I was basking into the new life that was given to me by God. Yet, some members of the community could no see it. They are busy trying to figure out what is wrong with me. The more I open myself to them, the more they are closing in doors for me.

I bore the pain. (Until now, I am still very hurt). I decided what is the right thing to do. Even though I don't like the decision, I have to do it. With a heavy heart, I decided to leave. What made it easier for me is the thought of returning someday in the future. But when the Prior told me that I could never re apply. And I can forget my future in a priestly or religious life, I was crushed. He told me that I could never live in this vocation because I am gay. That was the very painful moment for me...

Until now, I am still grieving for my sudden departure. I really wanted that life. Now, it was taken away from me. I am at lost. Almost half of my life, I prepared myself for a ministry in the church. Now, the superior of the monastery is advising me to forget it. I must face the reality that I could not survive to be a priest.