A New Familiar

I've always wanted a black cat. Once, Thacky gave birth to a black kitten. I named it "Midnight". But the kitten died.

When I visited Montessori, upon my arrival from the Monastery, I noticed these kittens in the school. I ignored them. It is because I don't need a new cat. It would just burden me with responsibility for a new pet.

Somehow, I noticed this black kitten. He survived even without food. I started to feed him at school. This weekend, I was thinking how is he going to get his food. I decided to bring him home. He is still adjusting. But I know he will survive... just like me.


(Since Tigger doesn't like companions, I've decided to let Midnight stay at school. I will just bring him home during the weekends. He will spend his weekend at school.)

A Visit to the Dead

A nephew of one of my co-teacher passed away because of vehicular accident. We decided to visit the wake of the 6-year old boy.

Normally, I don't visit the dead. It is because I feel different things in the presence of the dead body. My hesitation is because of the fear of having any contact with someone who died. But recently, I was able to control my abilities more. I am able to close my skills through concentration.

I made an evening prayer for our visit.

After class, we traveled from Isulan to Surallah. We rented a van for this purpose. But the van could not bring us to the house. There is a very long foot bridge. (I will try to post the picture soon.) We traveled by foot. After about 1 kilometer of walk, we were fetched by a fish car.

We said our prayers, had our snacks. Then, we bid our goodbye. It was getting darker when we left the place.

It was nice doing this thing again. I loved trekking and discovering new places. It was just a shame that I haven't brought my camera with me. Hopefully, I will be back to take some pictures of the footbridge.

As for now, I am enjoying my new spacious room.

No Looking Back!!!

November 10, 2011/ Thursday. I asked permission from the school if I could have the time off. I need to get the rest of my things from the monastery.

I went to St. Benedict's monastery in Digos to get my things. I was with my parents and my nephew. On our way, we were stuck in Bansalan because of road construction. We spent about one hour there. Then we had our lunch in Bansalan. We went straight to the monastery.

We arrived there at 2:00PM. Bro. Cyril, the porter, greeted me. I did not bother anybody anymore. I just asked Bro. Cyril to get my books from Bro. Nathaniel. Nobody from the community went out to see me. Even Bro. Cyril was cold in talking to me. His words and actions seem to be programmed. I did not spent much time. I just got my things and went on my way.

Honestly, I am happy doing this. This is the last time that I am forced to go to this place. After this, I am not obliged to be back to the place anymore. Deep within, I am not intending to go back. I wanted to forget this nightmare. Looking back at my experience in the monastery, all I can remember are all the hurt I've endured. Now I realized that for the time of my stay in the monastery, the community never liked me. They never let me felt I belong (except for the time when they are forced to). Now that it was over, I can breathe easily. All I have to do is to enjoy my life outside.

For those individual who have been close to me during my stay, I will cherish their friendship. Who knows, someday our paths will cross again. For those who had made my life a living hell, I hope I will never see them again.

A Door Opens

Somehow God doesn’t want me to grieve alone a little longer. Two days after my departure from the monastery, I visited the school where I worked for before. I went there because I wanted to see how everybody is doing. I miss my old job.

I thought there will be students there. But it seems that it is still there Semestral break. I went straight to the owner. (He is living in the school.)

The owner was happy to see me. Then I told him I was out for good. It happened that he is looking for a teacher for the school. He offered me a job.

This is the Second time that we are in this position. The first time was when I was discerning for my monastic calling. I just visited him then. I am not looking for a job. It was just a friendly visit. Then he needed somebody to help out in the school. I opted not the work for awhile because I wanted to focus myself on reflecting and discerning for my vocation. I accepted his offer. I accepted the job to work again the school, on the condition that I will just be working until March 2011.

Now, here we are again. He wanted me to think about it. I am not totally sure about the extent of the job he is offering but I am familiar with all the jobs in the institution. Somehow I know that any job he would offer me would be a breeze.

Since I have no commitments for a moment, I am considering his offer. It is because it can help me be occupied for awhile. Plus, an income would be nice. It can help us in our expenses at home.

He wanted my decision by Monday (November 7, 2011). He told me that if in any way we can’t contact each other on that date, if I report on Tuesday, he will know that I took his offer.

Another door closes

October 1996, I first had my monastic experience. A friend invited me to stay in a monastery for a week. There were 5 of us who went to St. Benedict's monastery in Digos. I had a very wonderful experience. I was captivated by the experience. I wanted to enter in that life.

I told my parents that I wanted to enter a monastery. Yet, they hesitated. It was because they thought that they could no longer see me. They also told me that I was still young. I dismissed the idea. I told myself that if I am really for that place, I will be back.

October 2010, I went back in the same monastery. I observed for 3 days. Many things had changed. However, I can still recognize the things that I love about it. I decided to enter it.

I entered the monastery on April 25, 2011. Since I am new to the place, I experienced some awkward moments... a period of adjustments.

I was admitted to the Postulancy on June 4, 2011.

In the course of time, I tried to fit in. However, it is hard to do so when people won't meet you half. It is very hard to smile when people around you are frowning. At first I couldn't understand it. I have done nothing to them but it was evident that there are people there who doesn't like me. They have doubts that I can do it. They doubt that I can live that life.

I tried hard. I know I did. There were many advises. There were many concerns. But it was enough. November 2, 2011, 6 months and 8 days later, I decided to leave the place.

I didn't want to go. I felt at ease at the place. Yet, I know it was the right thing to do. People doesn't like me in there. They have their reasons. Some have told me that I have a "gloomy aura". Some even accused me of not being happy there. That was their impression.

I was happy there. I felt at peace. I was basking into the new life that was given to me by God. Yet, some members of the community could no see it. They are busy trying to figure out what is wrong with me. The more I open myself to them, the more they are closing in doors for me.

I bore the pain. (Until now, I am still very hurt). I decided what is the right thing to do. Even though I don't like the decision, I have to do it. With a heavy heart, I decided to leave. What made it easier for me is the thought of returning someday in the future. But when the Prior told me that I could never re apply. And I can forget my future in a priestly or religious life, I was crushed. He told me that I could never live in this vocation because I am gay. That was the very painful moment for me...

Until now, I am still grieving for my sudden departure. I really wanted that life. Now, it was taken away from me. I am at lost. Almost half of my life, I prepared myself for a ministry in the church. Now, the superior of the monastery is advising me to forget it. I must face the reality that I could not survive to be a priest.

I'm back...

After 6 months of captivity, the phoenix flies again... reborn from the ashes... more powerful than ever...

(Stay posted for more stories)

A Restless Heart

A Restless Heart

The story of my Vocation

My name is Jose Ernesto M. Espinosa. I am the youngest son of Jose R. Espinosa and Estrella M. Espinosa. I am third among the three siblings. My older brother, Jose Vicente M. Espinosa, is a Civil Engineer. He is currently managing a gasoline station in Isulan and Tacurong. My older sister, Maria Cielo Gracia Jinky M. Espinosa, is a nurse. She is currently employed at the Provincial Hospital of Sultan Kudarat.

I completed my elementary and secondary education in the Notre Dame system. I attended my elementary at the Notre Dame of Isulan Elementary Department. My high school was in Notre Dame of Isulan High School Department – Day Class. Immediately after high school, I went inside the seminary in the Notre Dame Archdiocesan Seminary. When I attended my workshop, instantly I like the place. I like the peacefulness and solemnity of the environment. My academic and spiritual life was molded. I became a better person. I cultivated my confidence. I discovered some talents I hesitated to share when I was in high school. When I was in Third Year College, a friend invited me to spend a week observation in the Benedictine monastery. I found my calling to the monastic life. I told my parents about it. They were hesitant. I dismissed the idea. I thought, I could still make it when the time is right.

After my Bachelor of Arts in Philosophy in Notre Dame University, I went out of the seminary. I asked permission from my rector if I can have the time off to experience life outside. I was then employed at Claret High School in Zamboanga city. I became the religion teacher for Grade One to Grade Three. I was handling 9 sections a day. During that time, I also formed a music band. This band is composed of alumni of Claret. In the morning, I teach kids. In the evening, I sing with the band. After awhile, I fell ill. The doctor told me that I might be at risk of getting a heart problem. This was because of the stressful lifestyle I was in. My parents urged me to return home in Isulan. I rested for about 3 months. During my rest, I thought that I could learn something different. I went to Davao city to learn voice lesson at Yamaha School of Music. After about three months of lessons, I was summoned to Tacurong City. I was called by Jean Piaget Center for Learning to be a teacher. I went there to teach because of a request of a friend. I served them for about a year.

During that time, I felt I am drifting away from my vocation. That is why I decided to go with a priest, who is a family friend, in his parish in Banisilan, North Cotabato. I volunteered to help him in the different ministries of the parish. It was a challenge for me since I was a very remote parish. I stayed there for about one year and a half until Notre Dame of Tacurong College found me. They needed a secretary/ documentor for a special project funded by the Ford Foundation. Since I am acquainted with office and field work, they hired me for the project. We were reaching out to the Indigenous people of Sultan Kudarat. We were educating the parents on how to take care of their children. We were assisting the Day Care workers on how to prepare their visual aids and lessons to gain the attention of the children. I worked for the project for one year. The administrators of Notre Dame of Tacurong College wanted to hire me as a regular employee. Since that project is just contractual, I needed to be transferred to another office to gain a regular status. I was transferred to the Research Center of the school. I was under my former rector in the seminary, Msgr. Antonio P. Pueyo, DCC. I served for two years under his wings. I was exploring the field of Anthropology because of the different researches assigned to me. After two years, ABS-CBN found me. They invited me to audition in a paranormal show.

I went to Manila to try my luck. I auditioned as a psychic in Studio 23’s Nginiiig Paranormal Investigation. After 3 months of thorough auditions, I was selected as one of the three regular psychics of the show. It was, however, short lived. The show closed because of the lack of fund. I was jumping from show to show just to be interviewed and assist, whenever they need somebody of my expertise. I survived in Manila doing my Tarot reading to those who are in need of my services. After about 2 years, I decided to leave it all behind. I didn’t like the lifestyle. I can’t picture myself doing those things until my retirement age. I went back to Isulan.

I landed in Montessori Learning Center of Isulan. I was hired as the Guidance Counselor of the school. I was also the language teacher for the High School Department. I was happy with my job. Yet, I could still find some missing pieces of who I am. That was the time when I looked back at my journey. I remembered by seminary formation.

I realized something that I am called to be with Him. I joined the Singles for Christ, in the hope of serving Him even as a lay worker. But it was not enough. I need to do more… I decided to apply in the monastic life.

Isulan

March 27, 2011

12:20 NN