A Restless Heart

A Restless Heart

The story of my Vocation

My name is Jose Ernesto M. Espinosa. I am the youngest son of Jose R. Espinosa and Estrella M. Espinosa. I am third among the three siblings. My older brother, Jose Vicente M. Espinosa, is a Civil Engineer. He is currently managing a gasoline station in Isulan and Tacurong. My older sister, Maria Cielo Gracia Jinky M. Espinosa, is a nurse. She is currently employed at the Provincial Hospital of Sultan Kudarat.

I completed my elementary and secondary education in the Notre Dame system. I attended my elementary at the Notre Dame of Isulan Elementary Department. My high school was in Notre Dame of Isulan High School Department – Day Class. Immediately after high school, I went inside the seminary in the Notre Dame Archdiocesan Seminary. When I attended my workshop, instantly I like the place. I like the peacefulness and solemnity of the environment. My academic and spiritual life was molded. I became a better person. I cultivated my confidence. I discovered some talents I hesitated to share when I was in high school. When I was in Third Year College, a friend invited me to spend a week observation in the Benedictine monastery. I found my calling to the monastic life. I told my parents about it. They were hesitant. I dismissed the idea. I thought, I could still make it when the time is right.

After my Bachelor of Arts in Philosophy in Notre Dame University, I went out of the seminary. I asked permission from my rector if I can have the time off to experience life outside. I was then employed at Claret High School in Zamboanga city. I became the religion teacher for Grade One to Grade Three. I was handling 9 sections a day. During that time, I also formed a music band. This band is composed of alumni of Claret. In the morning, I teach kids. In the evening, I sing with the band. After awhile, I fell ill. The doctor told me that I might be at risk of getting a heart problem. This was because of the stressful lifestyle I was in. My parents urged me to return home in Isulan. I rested for about 3 months. During my rest, I thought that I could learn something different. I went to Davao city to learn voice lesson at Yamaha School of Music. After about three months of lessons, I was summoned to Tacurong City. I was called by Jean Piaget Center for Learning to be a teacher. I went there to teach because of a request of a friend. I served them for about a year.

During that time, I felt I am drifting away from my vocation. That is why I decided to go with a priest, who is a family friend, in his parish in Banisilan, North Cotabato. I volunteered to help him in the different ministries of the parish. It was a challenge for me since I was a very remote parish. I stayed there for about one year and a half until Notre Dame of Tacurong College found me. They needed a secretary/ documentor for a special project funded by the Ford Foundation. Since I am acquainted with office and field work, they hired me for the project. We were reaching out to the Indigenous people of Sultan Kudarat. We were educating the parents on how to take care of their children. We were assisting the Day Care workers on how to prepare their visual aids and lessons to gain the attention of the children. I worked for the project for one year. The administrators of Notre Dame of Tacurong College wanted to hire me as a regular employee. Since that project is just contractual, I needed to be transferred to another office to gain a regular status. I was transferred to the Research Center of the school. I was under my former rector in the seminary, Msgr. Antonio P. Pueyo, DCC. I served for two years under his wings. I was exploring the field of Anthropology because of the different researches assigned to me. After two years, ABS-CBN found me. They invited me to audition in a paranormal show.

I went to Manila to try my luck. I auditioned as a psychic in Studio 23’s Nginiiig Paranormal Investigation. After 3 months of thorough auditions, I was selected as one of the three regular psychics of the show. It was, however, short lived. The show closed because of the lack of fund. I was jumping from show to show just to be interviewed and assist, whenever they need somebody of my expertise. I survived in Manila doing my Tarot reading to those who are in need of my services. After about 2 years, I decided to leave it all behind. I didn’t like the lifestyle. I can’t picture myself doing those things until my retirement age. I went back to Isulan.

I landed in Montessori Learning Center of Isulan. I was hired as the Guidance Counselor of the school. I was also the language teacher for the High School Department. I was happy with my job. Yet, I could still find some missing pieces of who I am. That was the time when I looked back at my journey. I remembered by seminary formation.

I realized something that I am called to be with Him. I joined the Singles for Christ, in the hope of serving Him even as a lay worker. But it was not enough. I need to do more… I decided to apply in the monastic life.

Isulan

March 27, 2011

12:20 NN

A walk in the clouds...

May we open our hearts in discerning the will of the Father for all of us.

Some people have wondered why it took me about a year to decide about my vocation. For some, it might be a waste of time just thinking about it.

Deciding on what to wear and what to eat is easy. You just pick a cloth or food, and then you are ready to go. Deciding for a path in life is difficult. It needs a lot of wisdom and courage to discern what you are embracing and letting go of the things that you are turning your back to.

When I accepted the job for this year in Montessori, I have a decision to serve for just a year. I tried to remind myself about it every day. However, as time passes by, I have been drawn more on my job than that decision I made about a year ago. I loving my job once again. I learned to appreciate my worth as a person. I learned that I am still a valuable member of a community. I have been drawn closer to some of my colleagues and students. I learned to love myself once again.

Thinking about my decision now makes it harder. I have to let of the things that have been part of who I am. I still have so many things I wanted to do. I still have many things I wanted to share. And yet, I am here, writing this letter. Today, March 17, 2011… about 10:25PM, an hour before my final deadline. I have to decide.

This morning I talked to my mom that I have decided to get inside the monastery. She said that I should not. She stated so many reasons. Deep inside I know that she is worried I will not be with them anymore. In their final hours, I might not be with them to console them. It’s hard. I have to bear that emotion of losing them in my life.

It is actually easy to say NO. However, looking back at my life, I am convinced that this was the “great plan” all along. I am just too selfish or too coward to realize it soon. I was in the seminary for 5 years. When I went out, I spent so many times just looking for myself. I was jumping from jobs to jobs. Nothing satisfies me. One company after another, it is just an endless craving for perfection. I am just like a little boy, wanting to buy all the toys from the store and yet I could never play with them all at once. I know that I am lead into something. I am called to serve.

I joined the “Singles for Christ”, with the hope that I could serve Him even as a lay worker. But that did not work well either. I joined the group for some time. Yet, I stopped because of my own idealisms.

Embracing a monastic life is like a beacon for me. When I was in college, I stayed in the monastery to observe for a week. I fell in love with the lifestyle. My parents did not approve of it since I could never be with them. I dismissed it. Now, after 10 years outside of formation, I am considering it again.

How can I say NO to the very thing that could define my being?

Thinking about it, I can do some business. I can still do some tutoring. I can still apply in some companies in Manila. I can still pursue my career in television. But where would that lead me? Will it lead me into something permanent in my life? Or it might be another never ending story of my adventure

I have so many plans I need to do. I wanted to publish my book. I wanted to make another film. I wanted to make a music video. I wanted to do something that I had never done.

Still… are all of those things necessary? Will it make me stop wanting for more? Or it might open up some more cravings in my life.

It is time… I have to decide.

It is painful. Yes. I have to leave my family. I have to leave my gadgets. I have to leave everything behind. I have to leave my cats.

Sometimes those hurtful decisions are the ones that really matters. Those decisions we make that make us cry are the things that can change us forever.

I will enter the monastery this year.

Will I make it until the end? I am counting on the grace of God for now. What is important for me now is I have to find the wisdom and courage to embrace my decision.

Death of an Alter Ego

It had been years since I used the name “Rene M. Espinosa”. It had acquired quite a reputation. Now, I have decided to put an end to it. It is time the Rene will rest from all the things that he had been doing. For me, Rene had reached to fulfillment of his quest.

As a Psychic, Rene had been put into the lime light. As a Junior Paranormal Investigator of Nginiiig Paranormal Investigation in Studio 23, he had acquired so much experience in the field of paranormal and supernatural. He had also been involved in different cases. He solved some cases using his gifts in empathy, psychometry, tarot card reading, rune casting and spell works. His knowledge of herbs is also extensive. He also acquired some knowledge of “hilot” from Mt. Banahaw.

As a writer, Rene had written so much. He wrote song before for his band, Trashback. He also wrote several poetries for his friends and school paper. He had also written several scripts for films.

Now, it is high time for Rene M. Espinosa to retire. It is high time that he fades away from the world.

It is a difficult decision to make. It will take me some time for getting used to. Still I need to do what needs to be done.

Goodbye Rene. I will really miss you.

Film's Night @ MLCI

It was a success...

Premier

Some of the teachers have finally seen the films my students created. There were mixed reactions from them. They promised to give their comments tomorrow.
So far, I was satisfied with the films we've created.
Now, I can breathe easily half-way...
The much awaited part is coming... the FILM'S NIGHT on friday.
I am keeping my fingers crossed. I hope people will like it.

The month of March

It is the Fire Prevention month. This is also the month that I am afraid of. It because my days are numbered. I only have few more days to make my decision, a decision that will change the course of my life.

If I have prayed for enlightenment before... I need to pray a little more during this day. It is because the nearer I come to cast my decision, the harder it is to decide.

I think that is the beauty of life... We need to experience things in the different sides so that we could come up with a wise decision.

In the end, the reality is... we need to choose one and turn our back on the other.

May the God of Light shine His grace on me.