A New Year... A New Beginning... A New Being

Food for the Holidays

This is the cake that my nephews and nieces brought. It is from Goldilocks.

This is the ham that my father always make during the holidays.

Predictions for 2012

Every time the year ends, I am posting my predictions here in my blog. Few days earlier, I decided to be active in using my psychic skills. I am a bit rusty when it comes to fortune telling and predictions. However, this is a good avenue for me to practice them.

Since I already explained about the "End of Days" this 2012, I hope everybody is aware that 2012 is not the end of days. Although some signs would lead us to believe that there are disasters that will come during this year.

I can't be too specific with the dates of it. But two disasters involving fire (whether it is actual fire or war, etc) will happen within the year. The first one will be during the second quarter of the year. The other one will be earlier in the fourth quarter of the year. There will be many people who will die in this incident.

Floods, tsunamis, etc. will continue to claim lives and properties. This is because of the changing of the climate and of course global warming.

This year will be a big change for everyone. There will be something new that will be introduced which will stir up society itself. The change that is happening is too drastic that there will be more violence occurring in the community.

Please be vigilant in observing things around you. If there are instances that you can help, extend your arms for help.

I don't like to end this predictions with just negative things. However, the change that I am referring to is either positive nor negative. It only depends on how you see it.

There will be advancement in technology. The human race is moving on into a more complex lifestyle. There will be more things that we can choose from in the market. It is just up to us to know what is good and bad for us.

May the blessings of the Almighty be with us all.

Happy New Year

Fleeting 2011

This is the last day of the year. Recalling all the things I did, it seems that 2011 just passed by so fast.

I spent half of the year inside the monastery. The other half is spent whether by discernment or retreat. All in all 2011 is a turning point in my life. It had been a year of conversion. It had been a year of redemption and atonement.

Now that the year of the Water Dragon is coming, what is next for me?

The Christmas Spirit

Christmas is a holiday for children. I remembered when I was young, I was always eager for Christmas to come. Now, I am introduced to the concept of "Christmas Rush"... aahhh... I can't begin to describe the things I hate about it.

This year, we were visited by my brother's children. They also brought with them their kids. Yes, I am already a grandfather. Ah, time flies so fast.

Are you a Christian or Pagan?

There are close friends who are asking me about my religion. They find it hard to understand my belief system. They are asking me, Are you a Christian or a Pagan?

Since my departure from the monastery, I find solitude and refuge in the Holy Eucharist. Whenever I can make it, I attend the Holy Mass everyday. However there are instances wherein I am so tired that I can’t make it. During that time, I just pray in the confines of my room. I have set up an altar in my room where I put the things that I need in my prayer. Some people might find my altar odd because of the presence of the different elements that I incorporated in it.

Some might think that I am embracing a Christo-Pagan tradition. First, this is not true. It is because I don’t think that Christo-Paganism is somewhat a valid religion or tradition. I find this type of tradition to be sort of convenient name for something that can’t be easily explained. Christo-Paganism is suppose to incorporate the traditions of Christian and Pagan worship. However, if you study your history of religion, you will find it redundant. It is because Christianity itself is a collage of pagan worship. They just changed the names of the different element to call it their own.

I am a baptized Catholic. This is the religion I was born to (and this is the religion I intend to die with). However, in my search I find it convenient just to stay on confines of this religion. I don’t go well with “blind faith”. I took pride on my inquisitive side. I doubt things. I question things. It is because I long for the truth and nothing more.

Religion is just a label. It is just a social affiliation. Sometimes it becomes the source of conflict wherein the philosophy of salvation is debated.

I place myself outside of this label. My relationship with the Almighty, with the Creator, with the Divine is more important than just a mere label of religion. I don’t just do things because I am told to do it. I do it because I choose to do it.

As far as I am concern, I have not done anything to offend any religion, be it the one I am affiliated with or the one in the society. I just find it discriminating when people of different religion is bickering with each other… debating which is the best religion in the world. If you are one of those who are like this, you have to think twice. It is because religion is supposed to make your life less burdened. It is a source of hope. It is supposed to build bridges rather than put up walls.

Is 12/12/12 the end of days?

Due to the disaster that struck Northern Mindanao, people are again talking about the predicted end of the world on the year 2012.
As the death toll rises because of Sendong, people are becoming more and more worried that the supposed to be prediction is coming true...


Earlier this week, I had the opportunity to talk to some friends. They were asking me, "Is it true?" "Is the end of the world coming this 2012?". It had been a pleasure to explain everything to them. As a researcher of the occult and paranormal, I have a few knowledge about this matter.

I will explain the prediction first in terms of numerology. It is believed that in the occurrence of series of numbers, there is a significant event that is suppose to come.

When December 12, 2012 is converted into numbers, it will appear like this 12 - 12 - 12. In numerology, numbers with two digits are reduced into single digits to be interpreted. 12 becomes 1 + 2 = 3.

3 is the number of the Divine, the number of Trinity. In many religion, 3 is revered as the number of the Almighty... December 12, 2012 becomes 3 - 3 - 3.

This series of number becomes a perfect square, 3 squares in a row of 3 columns.

This can be interpreted as the completion of everything. Thus, the end of days could be the value of the date.

But...

Let us not forget that December 12, 2012 is not exactly 12/12/12. It is because we forgot that this syntax is a modern invention of the date...The real value of December 12, 2012 is 12/12/2012. Thus it is 1+2=3 / 1+2=3 / 2+0+1+2=5.

3 - 3 - 5

It shows that it is not a complete series... There is still a flaw to that prediction.

The end of days will come someday... It will come like a thief in the night. Nobody will be able to know when and how it will come. All we can do at the present is to prepare ourselves everyday... We must learn to live our life to the fullest everyday.

No money for Christmas

When I went out of the monastery, I was lucky enough that I was able to work again. Now, I am back to the life I had before. Since I am only less than a month in the school, I have no 13th month pay for Christmas.

It is hard comparing it to others. However, I am surprise that I have enough for the holidays. It seems that my training inside the monastery had helped me to save some money. Since we were not allowed to have out own money, I am not used to spending much anymore.

Just this morning, I went to the bank. I opened a new account and renew my other account in another bank. I am planning to use these accounts for my plans in opening an e-store. I wanted to have a business even just in cyberspace, where I could share my gifts in handicrafts.

This shows that money doesn't make the holidays... There are many other means wherein we can be happy... I am grateful that I am given the opportunity to share the season with my family.

Merry Christmas everyone!!!

My Cat

This is Tigger. He is the first male familiar I have. When I was away, my parents kept on telling me that he is always at our gate during sundown. He is always waiting for the day of my return. Perhaps, God answered his prayer. That is why I returned home after a period of time.
Now, he is always in my room. Even if I am at work, he is just staying in my room... always waiting for my return.

A busy cold December

I sure miss the rush hours in Manila... But now that I have adjusted to my current situation, I realized how much I miss the busy-ness of my life here outside.

I am juggling different things, trying to fit them in my schedules. There are times that I can't give my all on a task because I have to attend to another, but I am doing the best I can.

I'm not complaining. It is because I appreciate it very much when I am given something to do. It gives me a sense of purpose... something that I have not experienced when I was away for 6 months.

I just hope that this lifestyle will not affect my health that much...

A month of freedom

Time flies when you are having fun...

It had been a month since I left the monastery. Honestly speaking, I am happier now compared to my 6 months and 8 days of stay inside. I am enjoying my freedom. I am enjoying the company of my family, co workers and cats.

(to be updated)

A messenger guide left me

Thank you for the care you shared to me... It helped me cope up with the confusions I am dealing. You made me realize that life is still beautiful... Thank You Midnight.
Th

Revisiting the massacre site

It felt like I was traveling back in time... doing the exact experiences of those who died during the massacre 2 years ago...

Nobody wanted to remember the dreadful incident that happened 2 years ago in Brgy. Masalay, Ampatuan, Maguindanao. That event was a painful memory not only for the families of the victims but also for all of us. Who could ever imagine that a person could do something like that.

It was 2 years ago when I assisted in looking for the dead body of Reynaldo "Bebot" Momay. Until now, it had never been found. Still, the fight for justice is constantly burning in the hearts of the family.

It is fortunate that this year, Fr. Robert Reyes agreed to say the mass in the massacre site. He traveled a long way to extend his sympathy to the bereaved family. (It's a shame that those "religious" who are nearby could not spare their time for the family. They opted to say the Holy Mass when politicians and wide media coverage are present.)

Our prayers are always for justice... May the souls of those who have died in this place find their rest in the presence of our Creator.

13th Kalimudan Festival

It is very timely that I am here. It is time for the celebration of the Kalimudan Festival. The Kalimudan festival is an annual festivities of the Province of Sultan Kudarat. What I love about the festival are the different stores that sell plants, "ukay-ukay" (used clothes) and native accessories.

This year, our school also decided to enter the Drum and Glockenspiel competition.

New Uniforms

Feels like I did not leave the school. My new uniforms fit me well...

A New Familiar

I've always wanted a black cat. Once, Thacky gave birth to a black kitten. I named it "Midnight". But the kitten died.

When I visited Montessori, upon my arrival from the Monastery, I noticed these kittens in the school. I ignored them. It is because I don't need a new cat. It would just burden me with responsibility for a new pet.

Somehow, I noticed this black kitten. He survived even without food. I started to feed him at school. This weekend, I was thinking how is he going to get his food. I decided to bring him home. He is still adjusting. But I know he will survive... just like me.


(Since Tigger doesn't like companions, I've decided to let Midnight stay at school. I will just bring him home during the weekends. He will spend his weekend at school.)

A Visit to the Dead

A nephew of one of my co-teacher passed away because of vehicular accident. We decided to visit the wake of the 6-year old boy.

Normally, I don't visit the dead. It is because I feel different things in the presence of the dead body. My hesitation is because of the fear of having any contact with someone who died. But recently, I was able to control my abilities more. I am able to close my skills through concentration.

I made an evening prayer for our visit.

After class, we traveled from Isulan to Surallah. We rented a van for this purpose. But the van could not bring us to the house. There is a very long foot bridge. (I will try to post the picture soon.) We traveled by foot. After about 1 kilometer of walk, we were fetched by a fish car.

We said our prayers, had our snacks. Then, we bid our goodbye. It was getting darker when we left the place.

It was nice doing this thing again. I loved trekking and discovering new places. It was just a shame that I haven't brought my camera with me. Hopefully, I will be back to take some pictures of the footbridge.

As for now, I am enjoying my new spacious room.

No Looking Back!!!

November 10, 2011/ Thursday. I asked permission from the school if I could have the time off. I need to get the rest of my things from the monastery.

I went to St. Benedict's monastery in Digos to get my things. I was with my parents and my nephew. On our way, we were stuck in Bansalan because of road construction. We spent about one hour there. Then we had our lunch in Bansalan. We went straight to the monastery.

We arrived there at 2:00PM. Bro. Cyril, the porter, greeted me. I did not bother anybody anymore. I just asked Bro. Cyril to get my books from Bro. Nathaniel. Nobody from the community went out to see me. Even Bro. Cyril was cold in talking to me. His words and actions seem to be programmed. I did not spent much time. I just got my things and went on my way.

Honestly, I am happy doing this. This is the last time that I am forced to go to this place. After this, I am not obliged to be back to the place anymore. Deep within, I am not intending to go back. I wanted to forget this nightmare. Looking back at my experience in the monastery, all I can remember are all the hurt I've endured. Now I realized that for the time of my stay in the monastery, the community never liked me. They never let me felt I belong (except for the time when they are forced to). Now that it was over, I can breathe easily. All I have to do is to enjoy my life outside.

For those individual who have been close to me during my stay, I will cherish their friendship. Who knows, someday our paths will cross again. For those who had made my life a living hell, I hope I will never see them again.

A Door Opens

Somehow God doesn’t want me to grieve alone a little longer. Two days after my departure from the monastery, I visited the school where I worked for before. I went there because I wanted to see how everybody is doing. I miss my old job.

I thought there will be students there. But it seems that it is still there Semestral break. I went straight to the owner. (He is living in the school.)

The owner was happy to see me. Then I told him I was out for good. It happened that he is looking for a teacher for the school. He offered me a job.

This is the Second time that we are in this position. The first time was when I was discerning for my monastic calling. I just visited him then. I am not looking for a job. It was just a friendly visit. Then he needed somebody to help out in the school. I opted not the work for awhile because I wanted to focus myself on reflecting and discerning for my vocation. I accepted his offer. I accepted the job to work again the school, on the condition that I will just be working until March 2011.

Now, here we are again. He wanted me to think about it. I am not totally sure about the extent of the job he is offering but I am familiar with all the jobs in the institution. Somehow I know that any job he would offer me would be a breeze.

Since I have no commitments for a moment, I am considering his offer. It is because it can help me be occupied for awhile. Plus, an income would be nice. It can help us in our expenses at home.

He wanted my decision by Monday (November 7, 2011). He told me that if in any way we can’t contact each other on that date, if I report on Tuesday, he will know that I took his offer.

Another door closes

October 1996, I first had my monastic experience. A friend invited me to stay in a monastery for a week. There were 5 of us who went to St. Benedict's monastery in Digos. I had a very wonderful experience. I was captivated by the experience. I wanted to enter in that life.

I told my parents that I wanted to enter a monastery. Yet, they hesitated. It was because they thought that they could no longer see me. They also told me that I was still young. I dismissed the idea. I told myself that if I am really for that place, I will be back.

October 2010, I went back in the same monastery. I observed for 3 days. Many things had changed. However, I can still recognize the things that I love about it. I decided to enter it.

I entered the monastery on April 25, 2011. Since I am new to the place, I experienced some awkward moments... a period of adjustments.

I was admitted to the Postulancy on June 4, 2011.

In the course of time, I tried to fit in. However, it is hard to do so when people won't meet you half. It is very hard to smile when people around you are frowning. At first I couldn't understand it. I have done nothing to them but it was evident that there are people there who doesn't like me. They have doubts that I can do it. They doubt that I can live that life.

I tried hard. I know I did. There were many advises. There were many concerns. But it was enough. November 2, 2011, 6 months and 8 days later, I decided to leave the place.

I didn't want to go. I felt at ease at the place. Yet, I know it was the right thing to do. People doesn't like me in there. They have their reasons. Some have told me that I have a "gloomy aura". Some even accused me of not being happy there. That was their impression.

I was happy there. I felt at peace. I was basking into the new life that was given to me by God. Yet, some members of the community could no see it. They are busy trying to figure out what is wrong with me. The more I open myself to them, the more they are closing in doors for me.

I bore the pain. (Until now, I am still very hurt). I decided what is the right thing to do. Even though I don't like the decision, I have to do it. With a heavy heart, I decided to leave. What made it easier for me is the thought of returning someday in the future. But when the Prior told me that I could never re apply. And I can forget my future in a priestly or religious life, I was crushed. He told me that I could never live in this vocation because I am gay. That was the very painful moment for me...

Until now, I am still grieving for my sudden departure. I really wanted that life. Now, it was taken away from me. I am at lost. Almost half of my life, I prepared myself for a ministry in the church. Now, the superior of the monastery is advising me to forget it. I must face the reality that I could not survive to be a priest.

I'm back...

After 6 months of captivity, the phoenix flies again... reborn from the ashes... more powerful than ever...

(Stay posted for more stories)

A Restless Heart

A Restless Heart

The story of my Vocation

My name is Jose Ernesto M. Espinosa. I am the youngest son of Jose R. Espinosa and Estrella M. Espinosa. I am third among the three siblings. My older brother, Jose Vicente M. Espinosa, is a Civil Engineer. He is currently managing a gasoline station in Isulan and Tacurong. My older sister, Maria Cielo Gracia Jinky M. Espinosa, is a nurse. She is currently employed at the Provincial Hospital of Sultan Kudarat.

I completed my elementary and secondary education in the Notre Dame system. I attended my elementary at the Notre Dame of Isulan Elementary Department. My high school was in Notre Dame of Isulan High School Department – Day Class. Immediately after high school, I went inside the seminary in the Notre Dame Archdiocesan Seminary. When I attended my workshop, instantly I like the place. I like the peacefulness and solemnity of the environment. My academic and spiritual life was molded. I became a better person. I cultivated my confidence. I discovered some talents I hesitated to share when I was in high school. When I was in Third Year College, a friend invited me to spend a week observation in the Benedictine monastery. I found my calling to the monastic life. I told my parents about it. They were hesitant. I dismissed the idea. I thought, I could still make it when the time is right.

After my Bachelor of Arts in Philosophy in Notre Dame University, I went out of the seminary. I asked permission from my rector if I can have the time off to experience life outside. I was then employed at Claret High School in Zamboanga city. I became the religion teacher for Grade One to Grade Three. I was handling 9 sections a day. During that time, I also formed a music band. This band is composed of alumni of Claret. In the morning, I teach kids. In the evening, I sing with the band. After awhile, I fell ill. The doctor told me that I might be at risk of getting a heart problem. This was because of the stressful lifestyle I was in. My parents urged me to return home in Isulan. I rested for about 3 months. During my rest, I thought that I could learn something different. I went to Davao city to learn voice lesson at Yamaha School of Music. After about three months of lessons, I was summoned to Tacurong City. I was called by Jean Piaget Center for Learning to be a teacher. I went there to teach because of a request of a friend. I served them for about a year.

During that time, I felt I am drifting away from my vocation. That is why I decided to go with a priest, who is a family friend, in his parish in Banisilan, North Cotabato. I volunteered to help him in the different ministries of the parish. It was a challenge for me since I was a very remote parish. I stayed there for about one year and a half until Notre Dame of Tacurong College found me. They needed a secretary/ documentor for a special project funded by the Ford Foundation. Since I am acquainted with office and field work, they hired me for the project. We were reaching out to the Indigenous people of Sultan Kudarat. We were educating the parents on how to take care of their children. We were assisting the Day Care workers on how to prepare their visual aids and lessons to gain the attention of the children. I worked for the project for one year. The administrators of Notre Dame of Tacurong College wanted to hire me as a regular employee. Since that project is just contractual, I needed to be transferred to another office to gain a regular status. I was transferred to the Research Center of the school. I was under my former rector in the seminary, Msgr. Antonio P. Pueyo, DCC. I served for two years under his wings. I was exploring the field of Anthropology because of the different researches assigned to me. After two years, ABS-CBN found me. They invited me to audition in a paranormal show.

I went to Manila to try my luck. I auditioned as a psychic in Studio 23’s Nginiiig Paranormal Investigation. After 3 months of thorough auditions, I was selected as one of the three regular psychics of the show. It was, however, short lived. The show closed because of the lack of fund. I was jumping from show to show just to be interviewed and assist, whenever they need somebody of my expertise. I survived in Manila doing my Tarot reading to those who are in need of my services. After about 2 years, I decided to leave it all behind. I didn’t like the lifestyle. I can’t picture myself doing those things until my retirement age. I went back to Isulan.

I landed in Montessori Learning Center of Isulan. I was hired as the Guidance Counselor of the school. I was also the language teacher for the High School Department. I was happy with my job. Yet, I could still find some missing pieces of who I am. That was the time when I looked back at my journey. I remembered by seminary formation.

I realized something that I am called to be with Him. I joined the Singles for Christ, in the hope of serving Him even as a lay worker. But it was not enough. I need to do more… I decided to apply in the monastic life.

Isulan

March 27, 2011

12:20 NN