May we open our hearts in discerning the will of the Father for all of us.
Some people have wondered why it took me about a year to decide about my vocation. For some, it might be a waste of time just thinking about it.
Deciding on what to wear and what to eat is easy. You just pick a cloth or food, and then you are ready to go. Deciding for a path in life is difficult. It needs a lot of wisdom and courage to discern what you are embracing and letting go of the things that you are turning your back to.
When I accepted the job for this year in Montessori, I have a decision to serve for just a year. I tried to remind myself about it every day. However, as time passes by, I have been drawn more on my job than that decision I made about a year ago. I loving my job once again. I learned to appreciate my worth as a person. I learned that I am still a valuable member of a community. I have been drawn closer to some of my colleagues and students. I learned to love myself once again.
Thinking about my decision now makes it harder. I have to let of the things that have been part of who I am. I still have so many things I wanted to do. I still have many things I wanted to share. And yet, I am here, writing this letter. Today, March 17, 2011… about 10:25PM, an hour before my final deadline. I have to decide.
This morning I talked to my mom that I have decided to get inside the monastery. She said that I should not. She stated so many reasons. Deep inside I know that she is worried I will not be with them anymore. In their final hours, I might not be with them to console them. It’s hard. I have to bear that emotion of losing them in my life.
It is actually easy to say NO. However, looking back at my life, I am convinced that this was the “great plan” all along. I am just too selfish or too coward to realize it soon. I was in the seminary for 5 years. When I went out, I spent so many times just looking for myself. I was jumping from jobs to jobs. Nothing satisfies me. One company after another, it is just an endless craving for perfection. I am just like a little boy, wanting to buy all the toys from the store and yet I could never play with them all at once. I know that I am lead into something. I am called to serve.
I joined the “Singles for Christ”, with the hope that I could serve Him even as a lay worker. But that did not work well either. I joined the group for some time. Yet, I stopped because of my own idealisms.
Embracing a monastic life is like a beacon for me. When I was in college, I stayed in the monastery to observe for a week. I fell in love with the lifestyle. My parents did not approve of it since I could never be with them. I dismissed it. Now, after 10 years outside of formation, I am considering it again.
How can I say NO to the very thing that could define my being?
Thinking about it, I can do some business. I can still do some tutoring. I can still apply in some companies in Manila. I can still pursue my career in television. But where would that lead me? Will it lead me into something permanent in my life? Or it might be another never ending story of my adventure
I have so many plans I need to do. I wanted to publish my book. I wanted to make another film. I wanted to make a music video. I wanted to do something that I had never done.
Still… are all of those things necessary? Will it make me stop wanting for more? Or it might open up some more cravings in my life.
It is time… I have to decide.
It is painful. Yes. I have to leave my family. I have to leave my gadgets. I have to leave everything behind. I have to leave my cats.
Sometimes those hurtful decisions are the ones that really matters. Those decisions we make that make us cry are the things that can change us forever.
I will enter the monastery this year.
Will I make it until the end? I am counting on the grace of God for now. What is important for me now is I have to find the wisdom and courage to embrace my decision.
